Put that back. You don't know where it's been.

I may not really understand theoretical physics or quantum whatever-it’s-called, but I think it’s about time for science to quit it with all that lame “Theory of Relativity” stuff and whatever that “evolution” thing is people are always talking about, and start coming up with some more important theories, like the theory of how those embarrassing pictures of me in ladies’ underwear showed up on the internet, or how to time-travel back to high school and finally punch that douche quarterback Drew Friedrich in the face instead of just wetting myself and going home early that day.